Lonely, I’m so lonely

So my wife went away for a night for a work conference thing. And because of that, and my long days at work, we had to put the dog in with our dog sitter. So coming home from work last night was great, I had the house to myself, no-one else to think about. I had steak for my dinner, and played Xbox with the boys (a usual Monday night thing) and drank beer (well alcoholic ginger beer). Then getting up this morning, I didn’t have to get up and walk the dog before work. Great, my own space.

Except… I realised something. I really do not do well being on my own. I like my own space, but it was odd. It was quiet, it was quite lonely, and I reverted back to type (or would do if I was on my own for much longer). It made me think back to when I was living on my own when my ex-wife left me. I had a small house, and it was a state. I wasn’t really functioning. When I started chatting to EBI again she asked how I was, and my response was just “fair to middling”. I just went day by day working, eating, sleeping. I tidied to the bare minimum. I spent too long just playing Xbox in my own company. It wasn’t even a suitable place for me to have my kids in because of the level of mess (floor, what’s one of those?)!

Now, I haven’t wrecked the house in one night, but I can see how easily I got in to that mess, and how I could very easily get in to that again. On one level, like most people, I am very selfish and actually quite lazy. And that is one great thing about having a wife, and now a dog, around all the time. I do not actually get time to do that. There is always something to be doing, whether it be walking the dog, doing her food, or cooking meals and baking. And I have realised something. I need to be busy. I need to be needed. Now, in some ways that would be easy if my kids were around all the time, I would be dad 100% of the time! But I guess that just throws up some other issues – like not getting any time to yourself.

I need routine, I need tasks. I need purpose.

And I probably should think about how I can make my life a little more purposeful. Do I spend enough time (or any time) focusing on things that matter. And I mean like really matter – dwelling with the one who dwells in me. I don’t know. I need to figure it out. But I guess that is part of my journey.’

Getting a purposeful routine. Finding space to be truly me – in Christ, in my family, in my work. I guess that is something we can all try, whatever flavour of dadding we do. We try to make space to be us, and sometimes that means that you forget yourself and your own needs and you serve your family, your friends, your church. And sometimes it might also look like having time out – time to ourselves, doing us things, centring ourselves, going down the pub with a few guy friends, catching up with your distance buddies, just doing something that makes you happy. And that is allowed. Because if we don’t get chance to do that, then we may find ourselves being resentful, being burnt out, unhappy.

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